Levitas

Tea is nought but this: first you heat the water, then you make the tea. Then you drink it properly.
noddy
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Re: Time for a Joke

Post by noddy »

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says,
'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, Mongrel comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and
she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
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Typhoon
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across
the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the
start of this type of activity. A review of the Department' s files
shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the
Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work
shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your
full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

_____

This is the actual response he sent back:

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,
Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State
unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood
" debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use
of natures building materials " debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any
place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match
their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work
ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom
of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113
of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren' t the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation,
so the State wil have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department' s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event
causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the
stream ' restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the
Beavers. But if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not
pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection
lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the
beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be
no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If
you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.

Ryan DeVries
May the gods preserve and defend me from self-righteous altruists; I can defend myself from my enemies and my friends.
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Typhoon
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Re: Time for a Joke

Post by Typhoon »

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100. 1 to actually do it and 99 to say "That should be me up there'".
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

QI1go72c5H8
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noddy
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Re: Levitas

Post by noddy »

ultracrepidarian
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Re: Levitas

Post by Parodite »

j7Iez4y5Jz0
Deep down I'm very superficial
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Typhoon
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

These invitations usually come from Nigeria . . .

_____

OCBC BANK SINGAPORE
Oversea-Chinese Banking Corporation Limited
65 Chulia Street, #29-00 OCBC Centre
Singapore 049513.

I am a private auditor at OCBC Bank in Singapore. During our last routine check I discovered a dormant account belonging to a single holder (name withheld for security reason) to the tune of $26.2M (Twenty six million two hundred thousand united state dollars).

Though according to Banking Regulations/Legislation in Singapore which demands that I notify the fiscal authorities after a statutory period of eight years, dormant accounts of such are called in by the monetary regulatory bodies. The above set of facts underscores my reason for writing you this business proposal.

My investigations of the said account reveals that the investor died in 2004 Tsunami tragedy Indonesia the exact time the account was last operated, I can confirm with certainty that the said investor died intestate and no next-of-kin to his estate has been found or has come forward all these years. Although with the help of my official status, working with you can secure the funds in the dormant account for us instead of allowing it pass as unclaimed money into the escrow account of the Singapore Government Authority. This is especially possible as you bear the same LAST NAME to the decease, and can stand as his extended relative. This exactly is why I crave your participation and co-operation.

I have seized all relevant Bank documents including access to the very dormant account of the deceased which would facilitate my fronting you as the claimant/sole beneficiary of the decease estate/huge capital (US$26.2M) and ultimately transfer the money to any account nominated by you, Of course you shall be handsomely reward your part in this transaction with 50% compensation of the decease estate/huge capital (US$26.2M), less any expenses.

I shall however leave out the final details of this transaction till I receive an affirmation of your desire to participate. Be assured that I am on top of the situation. There will be no risk involved whatsoever if you agree to come on board. Needless to say, UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY is of vital importance if we are to successfully reap the immense benefits of this transaction.

I guarantee that the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect all from any bridge of law. To affirm your willingness and cooperation to my proposal please contact me through my private email (rbcmoon1970@aol.com) stating the followings:

(1) Full Name; (2) Telephone and Mobile Numbers; (3) Postal Address: (4) Occupation; (5) Date of Birth (6) Passport/Driver's license

Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.

Kind Regards,

Pauline Chu Pui Ling
e-mail: paulinechupuiling@yahoo.com.hk
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

Image
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

4d_FvgQ1csE

2kA8eow101Y
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

Image
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

Image
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

Image
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

N.H. primary pranks: Ron Paul ambushed by 'Vermin Supreme'

I recall a colleague telling me about the Rhinocerous Party in Canada.

One of their campaign platforms, which always stayed in my mind, was to switch [back?] to driving on the left.

To be phased in in stages. Starting with trucks . . .
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Marcus
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Re: Levitas

Post by Marcus »

Liberals Fleeing the United States

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The certain defeat of President Obama is prompting the exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. Not real effective," he said. The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.

Rumors have been circulating about the possibility of the new, Republican administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR. In the days preceding the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Republican candidate Mitt Romney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that his administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to Gingrich said, "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. A Republican president is determined to reach out."
"The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Sampson's time."
--- Richard Nixon
******************
"I consider looseness with words no less of a defect than looseness of the bowels."
—John Calvin
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Typhoon
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

Image

[St. Sarah of Alaska?]
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Marcus
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Re: Levitas

Post by Marcus »

Typhoon wrote:Image

[St. Sarah of Alaska?]
Sarah might not be the brightest light bulb in the pack, but she's not stupid enough to do that. Anybody remember Timothy Treadwell?

That woman in the photo is "dead woman walking"—evolution-in-process so to speak.
"The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Sampson's time."
--- Richard Nixon
******************
"I consider looseness with words no less of a defect than looseness of the bowels."
—John Calvin
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Re: Levitas

Post by Sparky »

Pfff. Amateur.
Image
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Typhoon
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

Marcus wrote:
Typhoon wrote:Image

[St. Sarah of Alaska?]
Sarah might not be the brightest light bulb in the pack, but she's not stupid enough to do that. Anybody remember Timothy Treadwell?
A pun on St. Francis of Assisi and his reputation :wink:
Marcus wrote:That woman in the photo is "dead woman walking"—evolution-in-process so to speak.
Indeed. Years ago driving near Banff, Alberta I spotted a bear family - mother and cubs. Stopped on the shoulder to have a look.

Other cars stopped. People got out and went up close to take photos.

I stayed in the car with my cell phone at the ready to call emergency assistance. Fortunately, the bears went back into the woods and I did not need to use it.
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Re: Levitas

Post by Parodite »

Image
Deep down I'm very superficial
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Re: Levitas

Post by Parodite »

Image
Deep down I'm very superficial
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Re: Levitas

Post by Parodite »

Image
Deep down I'm very superficial
noddy
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Re: Levitas

Post by noddy »

In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your
Ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1 When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly
so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN Ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewelery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a
clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded
and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't
always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape..

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask
her to bring back beer too.
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Typhoon
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Re: Levitas

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Image
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Re: Levitas

Post by cincinnatus »

Oldie but goodie..."thumbs up,let's do this...LEEROY JENKINS"

LkCNJRfSZBU
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
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Re: Levitas

Post by Typhoon »

1uxfiuKB_R8
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