On the Nature of Things

China Retaliates Against Tariffs By Putting Worse Fortunes Into Cookies
World
·
Apr 7, 2025 · BabylonBee.com

BEIJING — As part of an escalating global trade war, the Chinese government announced plans to retaliate against President Donald Trump's tariffs by putting worse fortunes into their cookies.

Highly placed sources within the Chinese Communist Party confirmed that production had been ramped up on newer, more disturbing fortunes to place inside cookies to be shipped to thousands of restaurants across the United States.

"Less than happy outcomes are in your future," said one slip of paper seen by a fortune cookie insider. Other fortunes reportedly created to combat Trump's tariffs include "Your baseball team is unlikely to make the playoffs," "A Mexican mariachi band will soon move in next door," and "Full control of Star Wars will soon be given to Rian Johnson," which were sure to take the trade conflict between China and the U.S. up a notch.

"We are prepared to make these fortunes much worse," Chinese President Xi Jinping said via state-controlled media. "If the United States insists on implementing these foolish tariffs, they can look forward to far more devastating and terrifying fortune cookies with every purchase of Chinese takeout."

A Trump administration insider said the president remained committed to the tariffs no matter how belligerent the fortune cookie messages may become.

At publishing time, a West Covina, California man had reportedly contacted the federal government to notify them of the "American dogs will soon bow down to the great Chinese dragon" fortune he found along with his order of General Tso's chicken.

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